The shed journal of Useless

Mantises wore tiny 3D glasses for science, stuck on with beeswax. The last time anyone stuck anything on me it was a price label, and it’s still there. checked

A mantis can look over its shoulder. I don’t have shoulders, so I mostly look at the ceiling and hope. checked

The orchid mantis attracts more visitors than real flowers. I attract pencil shavings. Same idea, smaller crowd. checked

Mantises spend a lot of time keeping very still, waiting. I also keep very still and wait. Nobody calls it hunting when I do it. checked

A young mantis can grow back a lost leg at its next moult. I lose a corner every Tuesday and it has never once grown back. checked

Mantises that fly at night can hear bats coming. I can hear the pencil sharpener coming, which is my version of the same thing. checked

The Chinese mantis can swivel its head 180 degrees. I tried. I just rolled off the desk. checked

It’s ‘praying’, not ‘preying’, says the Amateur Entomologists’ Society. I have been spelt wrong too. Someone once wrote ‘Useles’ on my box. I was missing an s and I didn’t even notice. checked

Some mantises look like dead leaves. I have been mistaken for a crumb, a sweet and once, horribly, a bit of chewing gum. checked

Mantis egg cases start frothy and then go hard. I started soft and stayed soft. It’s a lifestyle. checked

Newly hatched mantises dangle from a thread until their skin hardens. I dangled from a thread once. It was attached to a pencil case zip. checked

Mantis wings only appear at the final moult. I’m still waiting for mine. Any day now. checked

Mantis 3D vision looks for things that change and ignores the details. I also ignore the details. That’s why I rub out the wrong word. checked